The Curse Of Fatal Death - The Musical!

(Spoken lines are in italics)

ACT ONE - Terserus

SCENE 1
[In the Master's TARDIS. The Master is watching the Doctor's TARDIS on his scanner and chuckling. The image switches to a behind view of the Doctor operating the TARDIS console.]

MASTER: [spoken] You are doomed, Doctor. Doomed! You are piloting your TARDIS into a deadly trap. And even you will never suspect, until it is far too late!

[He laughs and begins to sing to the tune of Waterloo by ABBA]

MASTER: [singing]
One night
On Galifrey I met a certain Doctor
Oh yeah
And I have met my destiny in quite a silhouette
I'll hunt him all though his selves
This song is repeating itself!

[Chorus girls come out of nowhere and sing, dance with the Master]

CHORUS: [singing]
Doctor Who
Always defeated the Master
Doctor Who
They've been fighting forever
Doctor Who
Couldn't escape if he wanted to

MASTER:
Doctor Who
Knowing my fate is to destroy you!

CHORUS:
(Exterminate)

MASTER:
Doctor Who
Couldn't escape if you wanted to

One time
I fed him to some cats but he was stronger
Oh yeah
And now it seems my only chance is continuing the fight
There's only one thing I can do,
On Zaston IV's where he'll loose!

CHORUS: [singing]
Doctor Who
Always defeated the Master
Doctor Who
They've been fighting forever
Doctor Who
Couldn't escape if he wanted to

MASTER:
Doctor Who
Knowing my fate is to destroy you!

CHORUS:
(Exterminate)

MASTER:
Doctor Who
Couldn't escape if you wanted to

There's only one thing I can do,
On Zaston IV's where he'll loose!

Doctor Who
Couldn't escape if he wanted to
Doctor Who
Knowing my fate is to destroy you!

CHORUS:
(Exterminate)

MASTER:
Doctor Who
Couldn't escape if you wanted to

CHORUS:
(Whooooo?)

MASTER:
Doctor Who
Knowing my fate is to destroy you

[The music stops]

DOCTOR: [on Scanner] You know if you want to spy on me, you really should turn the speaker off.

[The Master freezes and the Chorus Girls run away. Embarrassed, he climbs off the console (to which he has climbed to in his dancing) and glares at the scanner]

MASTER: I know that. Of course I know that. Curse you!

DOCTOR: I wanted to talk to you anyway. I have some news that even my arch enemy needs to hear. Meet me on the Planet Terserus in two hours, relative time. And try not to be late.

MASTER: Mock me while you may, Doctor. My revenge will be all the sweeter. And it will be a deadly vengeance. It will be the deadly vengeance of deadly revenge!

***

SCENE 2
[Terserus. The Doctor's TARDIS lands, and Emma and the Doctor step out. The Doctor begins to sing to I, Don Quixote from Man Of La Mancha]

DOCTOR: [singing]
Hear me now, oh thou bleak and unbearable world,
Thou art base and debauched as can be;
And a Time Lord with his TARDIS ready to whirl
Now hurls down the vortex to thee!

For I am the Doctor, the lord of the TARDIS
My destiny calls and I go
And the Type 40 TARDIS will carry me onward
Oh wither-so-ever it blows!
Wither-so-ever it blows,
Onward to glory, I go!

Hear me Daleks and Ogrons and mad Celestis!
All your dastardly doings are past
For a legendary journey is now to begin
And virtue shall triumph at last!

For I am the Doctor, the lord of the TARDIS
My destiny calls and I go
And the Type 40 TARDIS will carry me onward
Oh wither-so-ever it blows!
Wither-so-ever it blows,
Onward to glory, I go!

EMMA: [spoken] Had enough yet?

DOCTOR: Um, yes, I think so.

[The Master suddenly arrives and fires energy bolts at the Doctor and Emma. He then proceeds to sing to the tune of Rubber Ducky from Sesame Street]

MASTER: [singing]
My dear Doctor, this is the one
Oh your death will be so much fun!
My dear Doctor, I'm going to kill you
Doop, doop, doopy do!

My dear Doctor, lord of time
The Castle architect accepts bribes!
My dear Doctor, say hello to the spikes of doom!

DOCTOR: [singing]
Say hello the sofa of reasonable comfort!
Oh Master!
You're forgetting that, I also have a TARDIS!
You'll have to try harder.

MASTER:
My dear Doctor, don't be so sure
I travelled back further before
I'm sure that you bribed the architect too!

[Brief song and dance of the Master and the Doctor setting stuff off that they had installed after they bribed the architect]

DOCTOR:
Wait a minute, oh, I'm in a bit of a hurry.
Oh Master,
There's something important that I have to tell my archenemy!
We're getting married.
Emma and I to marry!

MASTER:
My dear Doctor, I'm sorry, I
Cannot wish you a happy time!
My dear, Doctor, prepare for a trip soon
312 years the sewers will take you.
Goodbye Mr. and Mrs. Doctor Who!

[The Master pulls a lever and immediately falls down a trapdoor underneath his feet. The Doctor and Emma crouch by it.]

DOCTOR: Since you appear to have fallen down a sewer, you won't be able to have dinner with the architect. Although, in fact he's already eaten because I had dinner with him and suggested he puts a trapdoor right here. [to Emma] Well, come along my dear.

[The Master arrives again, but 312 years older]

MASTER: Not so fast!

EMMA: How can he be here? He just fell in the sewers. And why is he so much older?

MASTER: Because it's taken me 312 years to climb out of those sewers.

DOCTOR: And naturally you found your TARDIS and travelled back in time to the present day. No doubt to wreak one of your terrible revenge things.

MASTER: [chuckles] Yes. But this time I did not come alone!

[The Daleks come around the corner, singing to the tune of Roll out the Barrels]

DALEKS: [singing (yes, singing)]
Roll out the Daleks
The continuity reference is here
Roll out the Daleks
The ones with the plungers of fear
Roll out the Daleks
The overused monsters of all time
Copyright of Terry Nation
Even though he's long since died!

MASTER: [spoken] After three centuries of having gone through those sewers, only the Daleks would accompany me. 'Cos only the Daleks don't have noses.

DALEK: So Doctor, we meet again.

DOCTOR: Yes. How are things?

DALEKS: Exterminate! Exterminate!

MASTER: Stop, No!

[He starts to sing to My Heart Will Go On from Titanic (Remix, of course)]

MASTER: [singing]
Every night in the sewers
I saw you, I felt you.
Now finally you have come.
Never mind the distance
And spaces between us
I will see to it that you're done!

Near, far,
Or in the sewer!
I believe I will cause you to drown
Once more
I'll kill the Doctor
You were here as you watched me
You watched me as I fell down!

312 years of wading,
Of climbing, of smelling
Eating all the dung slugs I found
Tackling the squelchy mountains,
The ugly green fountains
Many times I slipped and fell down

Near, far,
Or in the sewer!
I believe I will cause you to drown
Once more
I'll kill the Doctor
You were here as you watched me
You watched me as I fell down!

Now, again
I'll have my revenge
For Doctor, I will cause you to drown
Understand
With my two bare hands
You will die, oh Doctor,
You watched me as I fell down!

[He races at the Doctor. The Doctor and Emma simply sidestep and watch as the Master falls down the sewers again]

DOCTOR: Don't worry - I believe he knows the way out.

[The Master bursts through the door again, and bursts a mouthful of slime]

MASTER: 624 years in a sodding sewer!

[The Doctor and Emma take off and run down a corridor. The Daleks follow]

EMMA: Oh no, Doctor! The Daleks are following us! I think we've really had it this time!

[She sings to the tune of Mamma Mia by ABBA]

EMMA: [singing]
I've been chased by them since I don't know when
So I've made up my mind we must keep going
Look at me now, will I ever learn
I don't know how they could suddenly loose control
There's a fire within their souls

Just one look and we're exterminated
Just one look and we're exterminated

Doctor Dear, here they come again
Doctor, how can we resist them?
Doctor Dear, here they come again
Doctor, how can we resist them?

Yes we get really tired
When we are chased by Daleks
Doctor why do they not let us go?

Doctor dear, here they come again
Doctor, how can we resist them?

[To Dalek]
I've been angry inside of things that you do
I can't count all the times I've defeated you
And when we go, with you on the floor
I think you know, even before we set controls
You know where we go

Just one look and we're exterminated
Just one look and we're exterminated

Doctor Dear, here they come again
Doctor, how can we resist them?
Doctor Dear, here they come again
Doctor, how can we resist them?

Yes we get really tired
When we get chased by Daleks
Doctor, why do they not let us go
Doctor dear, now I really know
Doctor, why they do not let us go

Doctor Dear, here they come again
Doctor, how can we resist them?
Doctor Dear, here they come again
Doctor, how can we resist them?

Yes we get really tired
When we get chased by Daleks
Doctor, why do they not let us go
Doctor dear, now I really know
Doctor, why they do not let us go

Doctor Dear, here they come again
Doctor, how can we resist them?

DOCTOR: [spoken] Emma!

EMMA: What?

DOCTOR: Shut up. Come on - we'll be safe in here!

[He opens a door and discovers thousands of computer generated Daleks, yelling 'Exterminate']

END OF ACT ONE

On to Act Two