"Doctor, you, have been brought here
Charged that you dare interfere.
The penalty for this crime is Death,
Won't you please sit down?"
Narrator:
So he sat down
As the Valeyard requested
A screen of the Matrix
Hung on the wall
And on that screen
Would show some evidence
Then say his sentence
At his Trial.
[Break into the start of the tune of Potiphar from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor
Dreamcoat]
Inquisitor:
The first part of the evidence will be
The time you went to Ravolox.
The Mysterious Planet
(To the tune of Go Go Joseph from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor
Dreamcoat)
Narrator:
The TARDIS landed on Ravolox
It was so wet that it soaked through their socks
Peri had a feeling she'd been there from birth
She wasn't wrong, for the planet was Earth
A ball of fire had come in from space
It burnt everything all over the place
Somehow, the planet moved across space
And now the Earth is not a good place
Some survivors lived down below
They served a robot called Drathro
Other survivors lived up on top
They were so primitive, machines were a god
The Doctor met Drathro underground
Forced to help him, the Doctor was bound
Peri met a robber called Sabalom Glitz
While they were captured by Primitives
Glitz had come to rob Drathro
Of the secrets of time travel
He blew a power source into bits
Putting the Doctor into a fix
Drathro was powered by that source
The Doctor knew that he'd blow up of course
The five hundred people that were alive
Most probably would not survive
The Doctor shut down the robot
Hence saving Ravolox
The Doctor and Peri left the Planet
Another adventure was waiting for them
All Go, go Doctor; you know what they say
I know, know Doctor you'll make it some day
Sha La La Doctor, you're doing fine
You and the TARDIS, ahead of your time.
[Break back into Potiphar]
Valeyard:
The next part of the evidence that I give
Will be from just before this Trial
Mindwarp
(To the tune of The Brothers Go To Egypt" from
Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat)
Narrator
The destination of the TARDIS
Was ruled by a Mentor called Kiv
His brain was getting much to large
And another Mentor called Sil was asked
To find another head
To hold Kiv's brain instead.
When the Doctor and Peri looked around
You would not believe what they found
They found a man called Yrcanos
Who came from the planet Thordon
They heard of Sil's fantastic plan
And tried to leave as quickly as they can.
But they weren't quite quick enough
Situations became rather tough
The Doctor was taken by the Time Lords
Out of time to stand Trial
And Sil unfortunately
Had found poor Peri
She was taken to a lab
Sil was not very kind
He examined Peri's head
And found that it was fine
Yrcanos had found the lab
And very nearly cried
Peri's body now was Kiv's
And so Peri died.
[Break into Poor, Poor Joseph from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor
Dreamcoat]
Inquisitor:
Poor, poor Doctor, Peri now is dead.
That's what the Matrix said, hey, Peri now is dead.
Poor, poor Doctor, Peri now is dead
That's what the Matrix said, hey, Peri now is dead.
[Break back into Potiphar]
Doctor
The evidence I'll use to defend myself
Will be taken from my future.
Terror of the Vervoids
(To the tune of Joseph's Coat from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor
Dreamcoat)
Narrator:
The Doctor and Mel, his new companion
Landed on the spaceship Hyperion
They were welcomed as guests
And not as pests
They stayed there for a while
But of course, murder was occurring,
People were mysteriously dying
The Doctor and Mel
Were accused as well
But it's just not their style
So they did some looking round
But no evidence could be found
All the other guests
Were very good at being pests
But the next victim turned out to be
The Doctor's companion Melanie
And so stop would her heart
Because of a lot of plants
But the Doctor saved her or else that's what they'd do
The Doctor's story was not believed at first
How could plants be the cause of this outburst?
The plants were called
Vervoids.
A rather strange title.
But then they changed their minds
And said the Vervoids had to die
So then, they pulled out a gas
Which destroys every living plant
And when they turned it on
In the spaceship Hyperion
The death of the Vervoids, Melanie saw
And then left with the Doctor
With his coat of red, and yellow and green and brown and blue (etc.)
The Doctor Must Die
(To the tune of Jesus Must Die from Jesus Christ
Superstar)
Valeyard:
Doctor, we know await
The Time Lord's decision...
Time Lord 1:
What should we do with the Doctor from Gallifrey Miracle, wonder-man,
stopper of fools...
Time Lord 2:
No riots, no armies, no fighting, no slogans...
Time Lord 3:
One thing I'll say for him, the Doctor is cool
Time Lord 1:
We ought to leave him to keep interfering
Or the universe could even blow up!
Time Lord 2:
We can not stop him, his glamour increases
By killing evil, he's very high up
Time Lord 3:
I see good things arising
From his interference in other lands
I see an end to blood and destruction
The good of the universe because of one man
No blood and destruction because of this man
All:
Because, because, because of one man
Time Lord 3:
The good of the universe because of one man
All:
Because, Because, because of one, cause of one, cause of one man.
Time Lord 2:
What would he do with a better TARDIS?
Time Lord 1:
He would become a time travelling King
Time Lord 2:
He would be great and he would be bigger Than Luke was when Luke did his Jedi thing
Valeyard:
Fools! You have no perception
The stakes you are gambling are frighteningly high
You must crush him completely
Like Peri before him, the Doctor must die
For the sake of the Universe, the Doctor must die!
All:
Must die, must die, the Doctor must die.
Valeyard:
Like Peri before him, the Doctor must die!
All:
Must die, must die, the Doctor must, Doctor must, Doctor must
die!
[Break back into Poor, Poor Joseph]
Narrator:
Poor, poor Doctor, now you're gonna die.
Makes you wanna cry, hey, now you're gonna die.
Poor, poor Doctor, now you're gonna die.
Makes you wanna cry, hey, now you're gonna die....
[The Master's face appears on the Matrix Screen]
Enter the Master
(To the tune of Superstar from Jesus Christ Superstar)
Master:
[To Valeyard] Every time I look at you, I don't understand
Why you let the things you did get so out of hand.
You'd have managed better if you had it planned,
Now why'd you choose such a backward case in such a strange land?
[To Inquisitor] Didn't you realize, Madam Inquisitor
That your Valeyard is really the Doctor?
Don't get me wrong; don't get me wrong now
Don't get me wrong; don't get me wrong now
Oh don't you know, Oh don't you know now?
Oh don't you know, Oh don't you know now?
Time Lords:
Doctor Who, Doctor Who
Did you know that he's really you?
Doctor Who, Doctor Who
Did you know that he's really you?
Doctor, Doctor,
Tell us please who you really are.
Doctor, Doctor,
Tell us please who you really are.
Master:
[to Doctor] I've brought you a friend to get you out of this fix
Your companion Melanie, straight from the TARDIS [Mel arrives]
She will be a good witness in this case
And then you will be able to leave this awful place.
You'll be happy to know, no matter what he said,
Peri is alive and isn't really dead!
Don't get me wrong; don't get me wrong now
Don't get me wrong; don't get me wrong now
Oh don't you know, Oh don't you know now?
Oh don't you know, Oh don't you know now?
Time Lords:
Doctor Who, Doctor Who
Peri is alive and is waiting for you.
Doctor Who, Doctor Who
Peri is alive and is waiting for you.
Doctor, Doctor
Tell us please who you really are.
Doctor, Doctor
Tell us please who you really are.
[All dance and adlib singing as the Valeyard exits]
All:
The Valeyard's in the Matrix!
[The Doctor exits the room]
END OF ACT ONE
